This term has been a rough one. Within a month I've been sick three times, all on separate occasions. One of them involved a hospital bill that I'm currently fighting to obtain aid for. I've had to call in at work several times and although they've been nothing but kind to me, I can't help but stress over how many times I've missed work. Then there's car troubles, shitty classes, and... can this end?
I feel so laden with worry and I'm so bothered by trying to keep cool and relaxed that I end up internalizing it and making myself feel stupid until I cry.
I know things will get better and I'm very fortunate to be where I am now. I just need this term to end so that I can have less to stress out about and can focus on all of the other things right now.

The bright side:
I've got a wonderful man, a helpful and resourceful family, a redeeming and loving Father God, a decent job with very understanding managers, and supportive friends. Also, I'm almost done with school.
Whew! Okay. Time to put my game face on.

Well, I finally had the balls to ask Matt if moving in sooner would be okay and he was really happy about it. So! Looks like I'm moving to Salem in September once Rhe takes off for New Zealand. Pretty neato. =)

- I finally decided to quit my zoo job. The whole never knowing my schedule and poor communication really got old after a while, especially with my other job and school. I was constantly stressed out with all of the juggling. Yesterday I finished my last day there and I wasn't fully prepared for the amount of emotion I had received from my bosses and coworkers. I mean, I kind of felt that my absence would go unnoticed but I had no idea that I was so liked. I even made my mean boss cry. It was all so bizarre and I'm still not sure how to feel about it. I wish I would've known how they had felt about me earlier. Perhaps if I wasn't treated like an idiot or a nuisance I would've had a better experience there. Again, poor communication. The main point of all of this is that I know I made the right choice.
- My mom tried to skip out on church and take her life about a week ago. I convinced her to go and we were able to pray with her, find her a counselor, and help her get in contact with a person who is currently working with her to get her out of bartending. I can't help but give thanks to God for putting these people in our vicinity of prayer. I feel really fortunate that she is finally receiving help because it's been really emotionally taxing to try and be her counselor. I just can't do it without being too involved. It's not something I should be doing.
- I really enjoy my other job at the retirement community and have already made friends with most of the workers and elderly residents. Also, I really love my bosses. I told them that I'd be able to put in more hours, so they've put me on the decoration committee for the Spring dance. So, yeah. I get paid to have fun and talk to people. It's awesome. Matt is going to be my date for the dance because staff has been encouraged to come and dress up. We're both going to color coordinate our outfits to match. Heeee! I'm so excited. Probably way too excited, but I can't help it.
- I've actually realized that my affection towards Matt is a lot different from what I've ever experienced. I absolutely adore him. I can't really put it any other way. I'm not scared about a future with him at all. Maybe that's the most alarming part of it all. I guess I've always had my doubts with everyone I've ever been interested in, but that's not the case with him. I'm perfectly okay in being myself and showing affection. It's nice to finally let those walls come down. :)
- Rheanna freaked me out by saying that she was leaving in two months. Her way of comforting me was by telling me that she'd find me a roommate on craigslist. I'll admit I gave her the silent treatment for two days because I didn't know how to handle it and had felt like I was being left with a huge mess. Luckily, we were able to compromise on August and she has decided to help me raise the money to break the lease early. THANK GOD. I understand her situation and I want her to be happy. At the same time, when you sign a lease you can't just abandon it and leave your friend to take care of it all. While I don't fully know my living situation by September, I at least have more time to figure it out and won't have to worry about school. That's a lot better than the original plan, trust me.
Well, that's it for now!

I was recently given a serving/waitress position at the Edgewood Downs Retirement Community and I love it! The people are so sweet (give or take a few residents, of course). I appreciate that I can genuinely care for these men and women, unlike the zoo where customers are a means to an end. I don't have to be fake, push sales on people who can't afford it, and I'm finally treated like a human being with feelings. I know I shouldn't focus on how I feel but if you've ever been treated like a pile of shit from your employer(s) you'd know what a bad day was. Currently I'm still juggling the zoo job but have talked to the assistant manager about being seasonal employment only. I thought that I could manage both jobs but let's be honest: two part-time jobs (one with unpredictable on-call hours) plus a full-time school schedule is ridiculously stressful. Plus, I only see Matt at night on the weekends and the time goes by way too quickly. Well, anyway...
I can't believe where I am now compared to a year ago. Last year I had been looking for a job for a little over a year. I didn't have my license, I didn't have a car, and, well, I think you know the rest of the story. It's all kind of amazing, hitting me all at once and I'm very thankful. Life still has it's usual ups and downs but it seems more promising. :)

I'm sitting at a gaming center taking a break from the huge midterms load I've been powering through. I've been here with Matt for the past seven hours occasionally looking over my books and I'm completely enamored by him. He's always able to brighten up the room with his appearance and make everyone laugh.

I really love him and for the first time in as long as I can remember I'm not intimidated by the future, and that's really nice :)

This year's resolutions:
Learn to be happier
Find a job
Overcome my fear of driving
Get my license

Next year's resolutions:
-Graduate
-Find a career-related job (anything I can use for grad school)
-Volunteer more
-Tithe more

This year has been one of the most significant years of my life. I experienced death firsthand and have learned how truly valuable life can be and how quickly it can end if not taken care of properly or given the right attention from others. I have learned what it feels like to try and make a relationship work once trust is no longer a pillar and have been given more patience towards others who are heartbroken and on the slow path to healing. I've lost many friends because of my decision to put more distance between the church and my personal life but feel that I am more honest with myself and others, more accountable to God, and am less ashamed of who I am. I've seen how immature people who love each other can be once emotional tensions are high and frequent and the end is foreseeable. I no longer feel the need to hide my body because it is imperfect and shameful. I've realized that love can be a lot more liberating if I am able to look at the past with less regret and more understanding. I look forward to 2012 and hope to continue learning, experiencing, and growing with God and my loved ones. Here's to another year! May 2012 treat you well.

If there's one thing I can say about this man it's that he makes me feel safe and confident. I love how he loves to tell everyone how much he adores me. I've never felt so special to someone like this before.
It's very different from what I'm used to.
I like him a lot. Uh-oh! >u>

I was supposed to take my driving test yesterday so the day before my family and I made sure the car was in fit enough condition to pass inspection. The next morning when I went to take the test it didn't pass inspection because somehow my blinkers had been mysteriously disconnected. I know that it's bad to assume that Josh did this but... by reading his posts, knowing who's he's been hanging around with, knowing that he knew when my driving test was, and how borderline creepy he's been acting lately I wouldn't put it past him. Plus, it just doesn't make sense that my blinkers were suddenly disconnected on the day of my driving test. SO! I didn't even get to take the test and I need to reschedule and wait a few more weeks. If he was the one to sabotage my car I officially have no remorse for how fucked his life is. If you ever see this prick around town give him a good leering for me, please. Haha... hmm.
Why did I even care about being nice to him?
On the bright side, I have almost worked up the courage to become an item with Matt. I think he's pretty neato C:
I just want to do it when the time is right. Timing is everything, don't you know? ;D
But Sydney is here and we're about to go get some coffee. Just thought I'd fill you in!
Ciao~

I survived moving out my ex on what would've been our fourth year anniversary. I think I can do pretty much anything now.
Life's been pretty rough but I've got a great support group: Mom bought me a working laptop, my sister gave me her extra mattresses and bed sheets, and Rheanna has been helping me get back to my ol' regular self. Where would I be without the wonderful people in my life? :'D
Of course I know I don't want to date again for a long while. For now I'm going to keep working hard and enjoy being me and that's about it for now! :)
Also, to those who've reached out and contacted me these past few days, thank you. Your words of comfort have helped me push forward.

Josh and I broke up on the 16th and I'm completely miserable, distraught, you name it. He's moving out today. As much regret as there is in making such a difficult decision right now I know that it's the right thing to do and it needed to be done. He decided against going into the military and I'm sick and tired of supporting yet another flip-flopping decision. To be honest, they're mentally taxing after a while. He's an in-the-moment kind of guy who has the habit of putting his fun before his responsibility or me. It got to the point where I'd expect to go to most every event that didn't involve his family or friends alone. Of course I'm no victim of circumstance and I am guilty of several things, as well.
I just hate this so much. I'm so afraid to come home after work today and have all of his things gone. I have to try and keep my mind off of it until I come home.
A part of me wants us to get back together but I know that it wouldn't solve anything.
He's my first love and my first heartbreak and I need to tough it out.
I hope that we can still be friends like we both want. It's hard losing your best friend. :(
Ah, and Wednesday is our fourth year anniversary.
What kind of fuckery is this?